rawr!

2012-02-11T09:04:00.000-08:00

with these dried up lips- I spoke and uttered nothing but the truth, even when they quivered. the dream felt so real. the surrounding was the exact copy of where I was and what I said to her was exactly what I wanted. It felt so vivid. And when I started screaming, with my lips trembling, I still made sure I was on the right track even if all I did was attack her with profanities. I guess I couldn't contain the anger, the burning rage I had for someone so low- even in my own dream. I don't recall being so worked up like that in a dream but maybe that's because we forget 90% of our dreams when our soul revives. I do remember this itchy feeling I had on my palm which gathered all the anger i had for her- all i wanted to do was give her a piece of my mind and a slap across the face but I don't know why I couldn't bring myself to do it. It wasn't because my heart softened or my sympathy took place. Never. I was just too angry to even allow my skin to touch a monster like her.

it's my party and I can cry if I want to

2012-01-30T20:08:00.001-08:00

Damn, finally reached the 2-0. Never thought I'd ever reach this age. I guess I've always assumed something was going to happen to me which would oddly erase all of my adult years and let me linger in my teen years. But here I am, lived 2 decades on this planet. I was woken by a number of messages, calls and whatsapp to remind me how old/young I've turned. And then in my dream, I dreamt that someone drunk messaged me. It's all very fascinating and lovely.

Here's to the next decade.

Insya'Allah :)

To: "Guest"

2012-01-27T06:56:00.000-08:00

"Know that I find you and your blog beautiful, your posts are inspiring and I enjoy coming back to visit. Just a random genuine comment in your cbox."

To you, this may just be a comment.
But to me, it was a trigger to my duchenne smille. I don't exactly know who you are but know that you've just made a girl smile.
Thank you sincerely. :)

escapade.

2012-01-15T05:42:00.000-08:00

you soon realize that sometimes strangers make better listeners than those who you thought would care and that past will continue to haunt you, and as much as it hurts, you have to let go. I know. Things will not always make up the best memories, but make do with what you have and cherish every living souls around you- because you don't know how long until time turns into ashes, descending down the hour glass. You should grab hold onto every last fiber of strength to pull yourself back up when life gets tough and rough. And when your laugh quietens into an orchestra of silence, but your cry for help amplifies but no body is bothered enough to turn around and lend you a hand, always remember that you came in alone so you'll be fine getting back up on your own.

<3

2012-01-13T02:10:00.000-08:00

I'm back in Brunei, not for long, but for as long as a good week.
Oh dear, where do I begin to unravel the memories.

thanksforthememories.

2012-01-05T11:00:00.000-08:00

Just the other day before heading to bed, memories started flooding my head. And not just any memories, but memories of my dad and I. There was one that hit me hard. I remember waking up early during the weekends, getting ready for my morning jog with my dad. And I remember getting an asthma attack and watching my dad panic, which in no doubt, worsened the attack.
Both him and I were never good with our mornings, especially during weekdays. Getting ready for school as he got himself ready for work. We'd have our breakfast which he prepared and rushed me to school. I'd always arrive late to school for some apparent reason and I'd complain in the car and remind him to wake up early the next day so we wouldn't have to wait in the long queue of cars. He would just chuckle and tell me to relax. It was just the two of us, at first. I only had him to depend on for everything whilst I was growing up. He was my pillar of strength, my endless support-emotionally and mentally. Especially when times got tough without my mum around. He was there. Always there. He used to always back me up whenever someone wasn't happy with me at home. He was always... there. no matter what my wrongful doings, he made sure I was safe and sound. He'd hug me before I leave for school and remind me to study hard and be the best I can be. He'd push me just so I'd be better, everyday.

I miss how things used to be, and most of all, I miss him. And the memories.

'12.

2012-01-01T11:29:00.000-08:00

I've sliced this brain in half, surgically removed the tumor of thoughts. Though there isn't a scientific evidence of any such growth to appear anywhere near this organ, but the past has manifested and outgrew the cancerous tradition. The nightmare, the latent dreams, the anamnesis and the remnants of the memory.

Burn. Burn. Burn into ashes and dusts, collecting on your shaky fingertips.

While I collect the fresh air around me,
I exhale the motion of yesterday

I inhale renewal

There goes my metamorphosis.

Cheers to redemption of what was lost and revelation of reality,

and anything in between.

____

_2012, we welcome with warmth.__

2011-12-31T22:57:00.000-08:00

*good bye 2011,
*hello 2012.

it's a new year, a new day.

2011-12-15T07:26:00.000-08:00

I can't keep letting my fear overpower me. I swear. I have to start driving again despite the very very scary road out there.

2011-11-22T07:50:00.000-08:00

The girls with the prettiest smile always have the saddest story.

2011-11-21T11:14:00.000-08:00

So, I'm done with exams. I thought I'd be happy as hell that my holidays are here but turns out, I feel like I've lost my sense of direction. My goal directed behavior is absent. Makes me feel a little odd. But oh well, I should make the most of it before it ends.

I hope my results turn out okay.
Just let it be okay..

2011-11-11T14:37:00.000-08:00

"You know I'm gonna find a time to catch your hand and make you stay"

I know people come and go. They leave. But I know you know she'll always be here. Just don't take advantage of her by taking your sweetest time to finally embrace her with warmth. Because she can leave, whenever she wants to. And she'll be fine doing it.

2011-11-06T11:01:00.000-08:00

2011-11-04T12:25:00.000-07:00

I need an escape.

At least for now.

kids with them pumped up kicks.

2011-11-01T13:10:00.001-07:00

It's 4AM, and my mind wanders with Foster the People playing in my headphones. An explosion of sound, banging against the barriers of these headphones. No escape but into the tympanic membrane. Increment of volume intensifies and sharpens the emotion behind the music. Even for a split of second there, the lyrics equated to one's story but the cracking of sound indicates it's time to slow down.

4:24AM- Spent 24minutes of my life running in circles with these thoughts banging across me.

Here I am, over-complicating a simplistic matter to elevate its significance from the lowest of low.

good morning, micros. :)

IMU Cup 2011 Pegasus Cheerleading

2011-10-23T07:39:00.000-07:00

my first and maybe last cheer performance.
we came third :)

to whom it may concern.

2011-10-19T23:33:00.001-07:00

hey you,

yes you.
I'm completely over you.
yes, if i miraculously return to where you are, and I bump into you-
I'll give you a hi, a smile and perhaps embrace you with a warm hug.
But never again am I dropping my entire world, letting my mind be consumed by your thoughts.
Never again am I allowing my thoughts to linger around the idea of you.

this is the last stretch.
i'm done with you.

i mean no harm,
i want nothing but the best for you.
i hope you're well, my friend.

2011-09-30T09:21:00.000-07:00

your heart is oddly shaped.
but your oddity is what makes this ball of attraction, rolling.

2011-09-04T00:43:00.000-07:00

it might be a bit too late to pick up the pieces.
but at least he tried.
despite the disapproval from your heart, mind, and soul.

you saw this coming. you knew the walls will crumble down some time soon. but why did you wait for the smallest crack to peek through the bricks? the anticipation of this explosion of emotion.

hurt.

you lose your directions. your circle of thoughts. your voice.
you no longer know where your heart is guiding you, but you hope for the best. you are not holding your breath for a drastic change. but you pray. you pray so hard for the best. the best in life. the best for them. the best for her.

you hold onto the last string.

your fingers intertwine on the last hope.

quietly, you breathe.

and under your own breath,
you weep.

but you stay strong,
even if your lungs collapse.
your world crumbles.

ft.

2011-09-03T10:19:00.000-07:00

I need to inhale.
I need an escape.
I need to exhale.

I need a fix from all this. I'm done.

game over.

:)

2011-09-02T08:36:00.000-07:00

That genuine smile-
activation on your orbicularis oculi muscle which influences the partially closed eyelids, almost squinting- along with a right amount of pull on both ends of your lips which in return, pushes your cheeks up- exposing your teeth; beautiful mechanical of your smile.

Your smile.

hold it kid, your heart just skipped a beat.

2011-09-01T03:45:00.001-07:00

2011-08-29T00:33:00.000-07:00

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

BY E. E. CUMMINGS

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

2011-08-22T00:30:00.000-07:00

I seem to forget to forget you.

2011-08-20T22:46:00.000-07:00

if you fall, you get back up. you just have to. back on your own two feet.

because friends won't wait, and time doesn't stop for you.

2011-08-20T02:08:00.000-07:00

http://youtu.be/wng10r0zl4s

cover me.

2011-08-20T00:58:00.000-07:00

coke.

2011-08-15T09:33:00.000-07:00

i also like my new playlist.

you could be happy-snow patrol.

made my heart jump like it was on cocaine.

where I stood.

2011-08-15T08:44:00.000-07:00

i've started doubting the context of whatever people have been saying lately. i don't know why but i guess because i've been studying none other than human beings and the nature of their behavior in such a way that i second guess why they behave such and such. it's like studying a lab rat, on how some things affect, trigger particular responses. sometimes, our responses are so similar to the rest surrounding us, although we beg to differ, as we claim to be unique and different from one another. but is there really that much of a difference? i start to analyze the intonation and intention and sometimes we all sound alike. we think alike. revenge, most of the times, with our bitter thoughts. but maybe i'm biased, maybe i'm speaking too much from experience instead of embracing neutrality. maybe i allowed my belief to propagate- dominating it from the real matter. maybe it's confirmation bias; how i disregard other variables and only prioritize on those that make sense and let them tesselate. or perhaps, it's self fulfilling prophecy or representativeness heuristic? all these terms attack me all at once, and then i start to wonder- where and on what ground am i standing?

at the end of the day, i start to doubt my own actions and how my mind wanders.

2011-08-10T23:53:00.000-07:00

2011-08-08T19:19:00.000-07:00

i hope you find your will to follow through
about two thousand miles
from here.

4our.

2011-08-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

The frame around a picture represents the metaphorical obstacles

for the memory from escaping. Entrapment ensures that

nostalgic-captured-moments only linger within the 4 tangible barriers

instead of dissolving into the thinnest air of forgotten memory.

Without the frame, there is no grip to keep that memory intact- and it'll slip, unbeknownst to you.

2011-08-05T08:05:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YACcNUKqPvA

i have the biggest heart for boys with dimples.
seriously.

red.

2011-08-01T02:53:00.000-07:00

we always say that we'll be there for each other. just a phone call away. we say we'll stay up, to keep each other warm even if distance separates us. but really, at the end of the day when we actually allow ourselves to open our eyes do we realize, that sometimes, people don't wait around for you.

and it's up to you to get your shit together.

2011-07-29T05:48:00.000-07:00

amplification.

2011-07-27T20:24:00.001-07:00

"I lie in bed, a lazy girl- dreamy smiled and and sleepy eyed, your latest sonnet on my pillow –my latest heartbeat, amplified."- ephemera

Barnum fucking effect!

2011-07-12T13:21:00.000-07:00

2011-07-07T05:43:00.000-07:00

The staleness of your emotions, intertwines with the distance.

2011-07-07T04:18:00.000-07:00

You are in a perpetual quest to find the new, the exciting. Emotionally volatile, you are known for sudden changes of opinion, of appreciation, and behavior. Following rules and established methods is difficult for you and the difficulties of higher education are usually quite daunting. Knowledge is best gained through an intimate association with the matter at hand. Usually driven by attitudes and desires of the group, you are talented in an established field of endeavor. Emotions come and go without a strong understanding of their causes. They are unexpected guests in an otherwise placid landscape. You live by your own codes of conduct, which can be noble or terrible depending on the individual. Authority is meaningless to you. You hate to be predictable, at all costs. Rarely verbally effusive, you can at times feel as if your feelings are too deep for words. You are very observant, but rarely express these observations to others.

:My diagnosis.

random rambling.

2011-07-01T05:11:00.000-07:00

I finally got my semester 1 results and Alhamdulillah. I am so relieved to know that I passed all my modules especially research methods because that was a poo. But that's also the one that pulled my CGPA down. DAMN! :( Could have probably gotten higher. but It's okay, as long as I passed and did my best.

blarshsksks. I feel like going for an ice-cream but mami is tired :(

2011-06-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

Vulnerability unfolds before me. I've been down and low before but not at this lowest point. Silence is so sudden, and so loud. Trying to be as strong as I possibly can gets tiring. To play this pretense like shit is okay when it's not. Holding the pieces together, hoping that it'll all be okay.

wheeeepies

2011-06-23T06:28:00.000-07:00

life is too short to even care at all

im losing my mind, losing my mind, losing control.

If I could find a way to see this straight
I'd run away
To some fortune that I should have found by now.

____________

Young The Giant- Cough Syrup.

I find the lead singer, Sameer Ghandia, strangely attractive. it's definitely how he sings. he just looks so damn PASSIONATE.

Young The Giant - "Cough Syrup" (Studio Session) LIVE

2011-06-23T06:27:00.000-07:00

2011-06-22T05:52:00.000-07:00

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine.

_________________________________

Don't hold your breath now,

take it slow.

2011-06-17T03:51:00.000-07:00

"...and then it hit you like a train."

honeybee.

2011-06-04T03:06:00.000-07:00

I need a new beginning. For real this time. I'm done dwelling in the past. It could injure so many friendships and that's the last thing I want out of it.

______________

new page,

please and thank you.

2011-06-04T03:03:00.000-07:00

hi:)

2011-05-28T07:47:00.000-07:00

Hands down.

I'm too proud for LOVE.

Mother's day.

2011-05-06T23:51:00.000-07:00

Your smile and laughter are my utmost heart-healer, medication to my strayed soul.

You're the empire of my heart, the epitome of my strength.

You've taught me more than you can ever imagine

- to love, being one of many.

You've turned my-

worries into warriors,

sorrows into soldiers

grief into gladiators,

to strengthen me for the battleship of life.

I thank you

for always teaching me to stand back up on my two feet when life pushes me down.

for supporting me with my choices in life because you believed in me.

for your warmth and comfort when life surprised me with unexpected events.

for your courage and perseverance to endure through all life challenges.

for never giving up on your dreams which teaches me to never give up on mine.

for loving me, unconditionally.

If love had a home, it'd be in your heart.

I love you- beyonds words.

Happy Mothers Day, Mami. <3

2011-05-06T23:45:00.000-07:00

hello!

2011-05-06T23:20:00.000-07:00

Holyshit. I have been absent for way too long.

Anyway, I'm at home for the weekend. I haven't been home for awhile so I began scavenger hunting for my old memory boxes and photographs. I found this diary of mine, dated circa 2006. Back when my English was the shit, literally. I was and sometimes still am- a whiny child. I had so much to complain, even the littlest things in life and I overdramatized the insignificance of it. I honestly had too much time on my hands when I come to think of it. SO MUCH DRAMA and I never even realised it until I rediscovered the pages- it's like walking through time.

I remember having this gigantic hope for things to be better- but question is, I don't exactly remember what were the things I wanted to be better, all I know is the idea of change. I was such a hopeful child. So much expectations from life.

So here's a poem I wrote eons ago of a pretty personal incident that happened between the used to be "best friend" and I. After the incident, we actually managed to talk it through but something else came up that completely injured the friendship- sort of incurable. (excuse the grammatical errors- I was probably 15)

your exquisite shadow; I stare

How much you mean to me doesn't change you

I asked for forgiveness, but you erased them all

It pierces me knowing we're strangers after our promises

I sinned. I didn't want to hurt you,

I wanted to keep you, that's the reason why I never told you.

The fear of losing you got me carried away with thoughts that you'll never find out.

And when you finally did

- I lost you.

wtf.

2011-03-27T10:30:00.000-07:00

I have given up on the idea of pleasing you.

I won't play pretense that I like your presence.

I won't respond to your insignificance.

I will not give a fck.

302:

2011-03-11T10:52:00.000-08:00

I have virtually died on the face of this planet. There are so many changes evolving around me but to begin with, yes, I am in a University and no, I am not in Monash. I am currently in an International Medical University(IMU), and so far things are going great. Extremely amazing. People here are so warm and welcoming. I can actually go on and on about the beauty surrounding me at the moment but my short attention span doesn't give me the opportunity to do so.

So as of now, I hope things go smoothly with the new souls I meet, knowledge I consume.

st.valentines.

2011-02-13T19:30:00.000-08:00

So people argue on the idea of his death and question why we should celebrate it. To be honest, I tend to ignore that ideology and not celebrate it per se but just appreciate the love in the air. Sure, one would refute on the fact that we should show affection everyday and not just 1 out of 365 days but can't there be one day where it's not all about politics, extreme religious belief, and historical stories.

I'm not going to go on and on about the uncertainties of today's love story because I, for one, quite like the idea of the abundance of love today.

another vent out session.

2011-02-10T09:44:00.000-08:00

So I comprehend the idea of "people leave" but not all at once. I get it that people go separately, friends come and go. I can take all that but I was supposed to be the one, on that flight, with them. On 14th february, not will I spend the day with a cup of instant noodles watching soppy love opera but instead start on a new chapter of life, orientation for Monash in Australia. Come to think of it, I had everything planned out. I even had my own notebook on the things I have to do and the people I had to email typed up on the sticky notes on my desktop. I guess it was a bit too good to be true.

Good things come to an end, eventually, so why celebrate to begin with?

I know it's a little saddening to state about the redundancy of celebration for something glorious(even momentarily) but what goodness does it bring if all I, along with 6 billion people, get is a string of disappointments?

Could it be the high expectations? But wouldn't that be inevitable for someone who hardly gets to feel like she's finally on track? So when she finally gets the full strike, there are no more confusion or the grey matter of life. At least then she knew exactly, where life is leading her. Now the back up plan makes everything feel like the second best.

I know things happen for a reason.

But this was the one occasion I didn't want to use that as a reason for my disappointment.

Screw it, you can't always get what you want, right? I guess there will be a different ending to my story, I just have to learn to embrace it.

Food for thought.

2011-02-08T05:40:00.000-08:00

Ode to the Nice Guys.

This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

- Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003

19th and counting.

2011-02-07T23:36:00.001-08:00

I never got to update on how my 19th went. It was wonderful, to say the least. Really chilled out with people I love both in Brunei and Malaysia <3

It was beautiful, I wouldn't ask for more.

So here's to 19th years of life that awaits me.

dedication to you.

2011-01-27T03:34:00.000-08:00

Would have loved to love you, all over again.

But if this is your pursuit of happiness,

then I never want to be an obstruction.

We only have two hands,

hence, only a handful of souls we can please.

Over time,

the burden of hanging on becomes strenuous, laborious

so friendships slip through our fingers

-Unbeknownst to most.

But never would I want this to be the one left behind,

abandoned.

I don't expect one to hang onto this friendship forever,

but hold onto the memories we have built together

as strangers

friends

lovers

friends.

We could be so many things.

I wish you well

stupid.

2011-01-18T21:19:00.000-08:00

well, excuse the melancholic dynamics but what you're about to read may be mellow so if one is expecting to encounter colorful thoughts; then sorry, my humble one, you're on the wrong post.

i'm finally back in the abode of peace, as what they would say. but to be honest, i feel nothing but foreign. the loss of belongings, closure eats me up. i'd rather stay at home, have my time alone with my thoughts.

i hate it.

2011-01-09T07:59:00.000-08:00

im back:)

2011-01-06T11:45:00.000-08:00

Because MacBook is pro-Vanity.

2011-01-05T22:23:00.000-08:00

Guys who can pull off the "beanie" look is so sexy!

stand up/

2011-01-03T11:35:00.000-08:00

I'm going through a phase whereby life feels right despite the change of plans. It's like, I know this is where the road will lead me to so I don't have to worry about the consequences and possibilities of the unknown. As much as I wanted to leave, start new, open my eyes and absorb in a foreign country; our financial status precluded this plan so back up plans had to be executed. There are many options ranging from twinning programmes with mostly UK Universities or I do 3 years straight here in Lancaster, Sunway. A little discouraging considering that I've been here for almost 1 year+. As much as I dislike major changes, I still like new exposure. I like growth, development. That sort of change is what I yearn to embrace. So, being in the exact same square from day 1 until now upsets me a little but inevitable circle of unwanted events happen and you just have to brace your little heart through it all.

At the end of the day, it'll make you stronger.
I promise you.

2011-01-03T09:11:00.000-08:00

and if there was anyone, it'd be you.

happyNEWyear!

2010-12-31T12:29:00.000-08:00

2011, may you enjoy the roller coaster ride.

2010-12-25T05:11:00.000-08:00

working my ass off but it's always too good to be true.

Hello

2010-12-23T06:52:00.000-08:00

cut me some slack.

2010-12-10T11:09:00.000-08:00

I don't think I'll ever be able to trust men the same way that I did way back when relationship wasn't so synonymous to betrayals and love wasn't a reflection of a possible painful heartbreak.

I'm done riding the emotional roller coaster.

2010-12-08T12:36:00.000-08:00

Finally got my results, Alhamdulillah is all I have left to say.

take control.

2010-12-07T03:53:00.000-08:00

Exam results were supposed to be released tomorrow but the Australian Management decided to kill my nerves by postponing it until the 9th, you know, to murder joy. Actually, I take that back. It's not technically joyous to know the end results of something but it's better to know now than having to wait for another 24 deathly hours of curiousty and in depression due to wandering thoughts.

Meanwhile, in Malaysia- I, out of many others am a little distressed with the idea of waiting for something so nerve-wrecking. Can't they just get it over and done with?

Anyway, I decided to change the playlist since it has been months listening to the same old chansons. I tried to spice them up a little with beauts covers. Kina Grannis and Gabe Bondoc are pretty much amazing in their own ways.

Patience is eating up my sanity.

Oh, bite me joy-killer.

2010-12-06T23:40:00.000-08:00

ABUSE.

thy mother.

2010-12-05T07:26:00.000-08:00

There comes a point in your life where your happiness becomes closely knitted to someone else's brand of ecstasy.

My mum is my happiness.

Her smile and laughter are my utmost heart-healer, medication to my strayed soul.

My love is hers.

2010-12-04T02:09:00.000-08:00

I've been swell.

[Thank You]

no.stalgia

2010-12-03T12:33:00.000-08:00

just a blur figment of nostalgia.

2010-12-02T11:02:00.000-08:00

I'm out of thoughts; just let this be good.

live.laugh.lovED.

2010-12-02T04:12:00.000-08:00

Why is it so hard for one to be loyal and faithful to the partner whom they vow to love?
It's okay to have lost the feelings, the magical touch as it is a natural occurrence only if one is honest about it and be straight forward instead of playing around with their so called "soul mate" with another human being whom one too desire to keep.

Aren't relationships meant to be pure and sacred between two individuals?
Or have we, as society, forgotten about the art of monogamy.

I'm a pretty temperamental person but I tend to take a second to rationalize before I say or do things that may hurt another. But to a certain extent, my tolerance level won't be able to swallow things that were taken for granted, abused and betrayed.

And I am a relatively patient person. I try to be as understanding as a humble soul can be, but I cannot stand those who dig for excuses in order to justify their infidelity.

To err is one but to cheat, is another.

technologically challenged.

2010-12-01T07:12:00.000-08:00

Okay, so i have no fah-king idea what happened to the layout of my blog. it went completely psychotic, so i decided to just go with it with a twist of change in background.

Technology has given up on me.

My microphone is kaput and just the other day I realized the fragility of my phone. My laptop has been loyal to me, so far.

I decided to clean up all gadgets on the "used-to-be-sidebar-but-now-at-the-bottom-of-the-damn-page" cause i thought it might have been a logical error or some sort to have caused the nutty effect so might as well start clean- but DAMN IT! they're still dancing around at the bottom of the page. I don't know. I have no clue. I can't believe I deleted all contacts and links.

Epic failure.

BUT AREN'T THE COLORS TERRIFIC?<3

2010-11-26T05:37:00.000-08:00

back when it used to be.

fourteen.

2010-11-24T06:13:00.001-08:00

I think I'm a pretty patient person per se but when it comes to waiting for a certain result that would pretty much affect the rest of my life kills me inside, everyday. Imagine, that one day of 24hours holds a certain object, matter consisting letters&numbers parallel to your academic performance.

14 more days. Oh, kill me now.

cam

2010-11-19T10:52:00.000-08:00

Art thou alive?

walala-bang bang.

2010-11-19T08:59:00.000-08:00

hello my canvas of thoughts, i haven't visited you in awhile. :)

life has been an utter mess.

no, not really, i just wanted to sound dramatic.

life has actually been pretty decent lately. I've finished college a week ago, thus, boredom has been crawling in once in awhile but freedom has never tasted sweeter. I've recently received a conditional letter from Monash, Clayton for Bachelor of Psychology. I literally went nuts when I got it but it's a little anti-climax come to think of it cause I'm not completely in, I just got one foot inside and the other hanging outside. Sort of dancing a limbo. I've never liked limbo. Who likes being in between of 2 completely different matters? Meh. irrelevant thought.

Anyway, shit.

EAT LOTS OF FRUITS.

<3>

(and don't be a sad ninja)

2010-10-17T07:03:00.000-07:00

To those who cares, you should too.

But to those who have hurt you, fuck 'em.

[These thoughts&emotions are colorless.]

2010-10-14T02:21:00.000-07:00

who the fck are these random desperados in my commentbox?

one.

2010-10-02T10:43:00.001-07:00

is sincerely over the idea of getting to know more of you.

great but a little self centered, definitely not my cup of tea.

blah

2010-09-30T20:21:00.000-07:00

music was brilliant but you're still a douche:)

into and out of.

2010-09-27T07:53:00.000-07:00

Because we will inevitably fall, no doubt about that.

And it's okay to cry as it doesn't mean you're weak but only that you've been strong for a little too long.

One sunny afternoon, you are literally on top of the world and the next, you're at your lowest.

As deep as the cut, as hard as the fall may have been- just take it as another lesson learnt for the next time life finds a way to hurt you again.

The continuous slip is only a preparation for your biggest fall.

gray.

2010-09-27T06:20:00.000-07:00

In time of your weakest point in life, you'll soon realize who's there to either watch you fall or bring you up. And when that realization hit you hard, embrace his/her friendship who cared enough to stay. Nothing should mean more to you than a faithful companionship during your hardest times to hold your hand, hear you cry, help you stand.

Never under appreciate a friendship like this, never should you forget who suffered with you when they could have easily let you starve with issues.

Remember to appreciate. To treat them how they sacrificed their time to treat you with warmth and comfort.

2010-09-23T09:21:00.000-07:00

Get lost if all you want is to abuse me.

reminder.

2010-09-18T13:34:00.000-07:00

Note To Yourself:

Sometimes you have got to stop giving a fuck about what others think of you. Their excessive judgments lacks nothing but honesty and analytical truth so why in the first place would you bother to fix such petty and insignificant matter?

Sometimes you need to preclude all plans before actions and instead, jump straight into the cold lake without ruminating whether the coldness would sting your veins. Welcome spontaneity with arms wide open.

Sometimes you got to leave the unresolved chain of thoughts on the shelf, where it should be, collecting dust. Sure, "If it doesn't kill you, it'll only make you stronger". Nostalgic thoughts, however, doesn't do such crap.

Sometimes even if your aim is too high of an expectation, continue extending your arm- tip toe if you must until your fingers can finally reach to wrap around the aspiration because if that's really what want and truly believe that it'd make your heart smile then making sacrifices as that should be trivial to your journey of achievement.

And sometimes, you have got to chill the fuck down and enjoy the damn ride.

But always and forever remember that you are not perfect so it's okay to make, have, and be a mistake.

miscalcu.

2010-09-15T12:31:00.000-07:00

You intrigue me,

and I,

surrender.

2010-09-12T09:05:00.000-07:00

hahahahha silly billy :)

selamat hari raya everyone!

2010-09-07T08:33:00.001-07:00

we're been running barefoot this whole time.

surrender.

2010-09-03T11:09:00.000-07:00

you are an explosion of the brightest colors

;the melody of a goodnight lullaby

;the music of my thoughts

;the nicotine of every cigarettes.

2010-09-02T10:46:00.000-07:00

Forgive me,

for I have sinned.

my condolences.

2010-08-28T09:05:00.000-07:00

May You Rest In Peace,

Jed Jones.

early thought.

2010-08-28T05:43:00.000-07:00

A sudden realization(again) hit me this morning. The saying "don't judge a book by it's cover" invites these naive souls to obediently do otherwise, what we call "reverse psychology". It's like telling someone NOT to smoke and well, as predicted, people start sparking their cancer sticks. Whatever happens, as much as we hate to admit, we'd always have that first impression, judgement and perception of others. To a certain extent, it's okay to have an image of how a person is. Perhaps, it is one's defense from prospective misunderstanding. But what triggers immaturity and injustice is when one prioritize this possible feign perception without digging deeper to get to know the person being judged because we believe our 5 minutes worth of judging is equivalent to a lifetime friendship.

And the funniest part is when we get angered by the idea of others misjudging us.

Now, you tell me, who is really at fault?

to love.

2010-08-27T13:07:00.000-07:00

Do your hair, I bought you shoes

We can hit the town like superstars do

You fall in love? Then let me show you love

Give me the key to your heart

I can give you what you want

When you’re waiting for love

And you’re lookin’ for someone

I’mma turn this gossip girl into a woman

somebody to love-leighton meester feat. robin thicke.

uhm, sandwiches.

2010-08-27T10:44:00.000-07:00

I decided to change the playlist because as much as i dislike change, i need a new medicinal rhythm. But what I just realised is that all these songs involved rolling around in beds. I didn't notice it until an hour ago. What are the odds? but anyway, the songs are relaxing and simply brilliant, ergo, straight to my PLAYLIST.

And talking about change. I just got my driving license so i'm legal and ready to rock the road. But yes, I still tremble to the thought of driving in a moving vehicle amongst the rest of Malaysian heartless drivers.

I never liked talking about my day in such a figurative manner. I've always liked my ambiguous poems to portray my could and would have been thoughts and emotions.

Anyway, music is pumping loud and clear. Just the way I like it. <3

2010-08-25T09:55:00.000-07:00

I want to spend more time with you before you leave.

you should

2010-08-23T09:17:00.000-07:00

grow up with me?